Steve Martin: Those crappy indie films where some woman decades my junior falls in love with me just aren’t paying the bills.

Perform dark sacrifices by the light of a full moon! It’s the Snuggie!

So, Hillary Duff is gracing the cover of married men’s masturbation material magazine, MAXIM, this month, and I tend to remember this gal as a fresh faced, cute kid who had it in for currently, always controversial Lindsay Lohan. I guess it sort of makes sense then that I am feeling all sorts of wrong for looking at this woman as a woman now.

“While there’s room for an honest and healthy debate about the decisions I made – and there’s plenty of debate – there can be no debate about the results in keeping America safe,” Bush said.

Oh, I’ll debate it until hell freezes over, asshole!

Bush, in a final hurrah, visited Iraq this weekend, and came under fire…of a reporter’s shoes. Bush responded by saying the man just wanted attention, as if this meaningless grandstanding Bush himself was doing was anything less than one last chance to say, “Look at me!” Or at least a chance to avoid dealing with the morass that the domestic front has become, thanks to members of his own party. I mean, come on, Dubya, you didn’t have to travel to Iraq, you could have just gone to see that new Keanu flick.

Meanwhile, it was reported that Afghanistan will be seeing a record of 32,000 US troops this year, with more on the way. Um, didn’t we just cut back our troops to pre-surge numbers in Iraq (which is smaller than Afghanistan) to 120,000 troops. 32,000…120,000…I think I may have figured out why Bin Laden is still out there. Or is that, as Bush would have called it in 2000, “fuzzy math?”

Bettie Page has passed at the age of 85.